House Rules:

1. Don't wipe yer feet! (If ya' do the carpets won't match the dirt outside.)

2. Don't take out the trash! (It reminds us of our last huntin' trip!)

3. Don't put nothin' away when yer through wid' it. (We like our house to have that "lived-in" look.

4. Don't put yer dirty clothes in the hamper! (The missus' might find 'em and wash 'em. Then they'd lose that bootiful cameo-flagee look and smell we work so hard to get.)

5. Don't eat at the table! (Dogs'll go hungry without the scraps.)

6. Wipe yer hands on the walls! (Soon they'll all be the same color and we won't have to paint 'em!)

7. Don't clean up spills on the kitchen floor! (The black sticky spots that form after awhile add character to the linoleum. Nuttin' more borin' than clean linoleum!)

8. Don't flush the toilet! (It's more fun to pretend like we have an outhouse in the house.)

9. Don't bring yer bikes and other valuables inside! (It makes it hard for strangers and other folk to borry 'em.)

10. Never turn off lights after you leave a room! (Saves time, not havin' ta' turn 'em on again later.)

11. Never close the cabinets or drawers. (It's easier ta' find what you want. Better yet, maybe we should just take them off altogether!)

12. Never use coasters under wet glasses. (The ugly rings they make give the furniture a fancy antiqued look.)

13. Don't make yer bed! (It can always use the airing-out.)

14. Always sit on the furniture with dirty clothes. (It gives everything that good ole' out-of-doors look and smell.)

15. Always leave the gate open and the garage door up! (The dogs and mailman enjoy their daily romp together!)