For God-fearin', gun-totin', over-protective fathers everywhere! Here's the answer to your prayers. Skim the fat off the top. Take only the best suitors for your daughter(s)! This latest application makes the process quick and simple.

Pre-Application Information: This application will be considered incomplete and therefore rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, letters of acceptance to Stanford, Harvard and Yale, and current medical report (from a reputable doctor).

 I.Personal Background 

     NAME: ____________________________________ 

     BIRTHDATE: ______________________________ 

     HEIGHT: ____________________ 

     WEIGHT: ____________________ 

     IQ: ______________ 
     (Less than 90, crawl back to the rock you came out from under 
     and DO NOT add to the gene pool.) 

     GPA (mandatory): ___________________ 

     SOCIAL SECURITY #: ________________ 

     DRIVERS LICENSE #: ________________ 

     BOY SCOUT RANK & MERIT BADGES: _______________________ 
     ___________________________________________________________ 

     HOME ADDRESS: ________________________________________________ 

     Do you have parents? _______________________________ 
     If NO, explain (in ten words or less): 
     ___________________________________________________________ 

     If YES, number of years they have been married: 
     ___________________________________________________________ 

     If they have been married less than you age, explain: 
     ___________________________________________________________ 
     ___________________________________________________________ 
     ___________________________________________________________ 
     ___________________________________________________________ 
     ___________________________________________________________ 
     ___________________________________________________________ 

 II.Personal Property 

     A. Do you own a van? 
        YES
        NO

     B. A truck with over-sized tires? 
        YES
        NO

     C. A waterbed? 
        YES
        NO

     D. A pick-up with a mattress in the back? 
        YES
        NO

     E. Do you have an earring, nose ring, and/or belly-button ring? 
        YES
        NO

     F. A tattoo? 
        YES
        NO

     (IF YOU HAVE ANSWERED "YES" TO ANY OF THE ABOVE
     DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES.) 

III. Additional Background Information 

     In 50 words or less - what does LATE mean to you? 
     ___________________________________________________________ 

     In 50 words or less - what does MARRIAGE mean to you? 
     ___________________________________________________________ 

     In 50 words or less - what does ABSTINENCE mean to you? 
     ___________________________________________________________ 

     What church do you attend? _____________ 

     How often? ___________ 

     When would be the best time to interview your: 
         Father? ___________ 
         Mother? ___________ 
         Priest? ___________ 
         Parole Officer? ______________ 

IV.  Fill in the Blank 

     Answer by filling in the blank. Please feel free to answer all 
     questions. Answers given will be considered confidential. 

      A.If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be: 
         ______________________________________________________ 

      B.If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my: 
         ______________________________________________________ 

      C.A woman's place is: 
         ______________________________________________________ 

      D.The two things I hope this application does not ask: 
           1.________________________________________________ 
           2.________________________________________________ 

      E.When I first met your daughter, the one thing that I noticed 
        first was: 
         ______________________________________________________
         (Note: IF answer E begins with T or A, discontinue application. 
         Leave premises immediately. It is highly advised to keep your 
         head down and zigzag.) 

      F.What do you want to do IF you grow up? 
         ______________________________________________________ 

 V. Last Question 

     What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ___________ 
     (Note: IF multiple answers are given to the question above, 
     discontinue application. Stay seated. There is a sawed-off pointed 
     at your knees. There are probably several fathers looking for you 
     right now!) 

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, AND ELECTROCUTION ADMINISTERED BY "WE-BREAK'EM" INSURANCE BROKERS.

_______________________________________________
SIGNATURE
(an "X" is not sufficient.)

Thank you for expressing interest in my daughter. Please allow 4-6 weeks for processing. You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call, write, or try to visit my daughter during this time (it would result in disqualification of your application and bodily harm visited upon you.) If your application is rejected, you will be notified by Louigi and Vinny of We-Break'em Insurance Brokers. Have a nice day.