STANDARDIZED BONEHEAD REPLY FORM

(original by David Parsons)




 

I took exception to your recent


  post to (newsgroup)
  email

It was (check all that apply):


  lame.
  stupid.
  much longer than any worthwhile thought of which you may be capable.

Your attention is drawn to the fact that:


  what you posted/said has been done before.
  (Mark only if above checked)
  Not only that, it was also done better the last time.
  your post/letter was a pathetic imitation of . (net.personality)
  your post/mail originated on Fidonet.
  your post/mail originated on Delphi.
  your post/mail originated on AOL.
  your post referred to the newsgroup as a Board, BBoard, BBS, or Notesfile.
  your post contained commercial advertising. The fine for this is $20.


 Please remit immediately to:


  

Usenet News
   Network Security & Standards Patrol
   3 Cielo Vista Terrace
   Monterey, CA 93940


  or your posting privileges will be cancelled.


  your post/letter contained numerous spelling errors.
  your post/letter contained multiple grammatical errors.
  YOUR POST CONTAINED EXCESSIVE CAPITALIZATION AND/OR PUNCTUATION!!!!!
  you posted a "newgroup" message without Leader Kibo's permission.
  you posted a "rmgroup" message without Bruce Becker's permission.
  your post/letter was an obvious forgery. (Mark only if above checked)
   It was done clumsily.
  you have a lame login name.
  your machine has a stupid name.
  you quoted an article/letter in followup and added no new text.
  you quoted an article/letter in followup and only added 2 lines of text.
  you quoted an article in followup and only added the line "Me, too!!!"
  you predicted the "Imminent Death of the Net™".
  you asked for replies via email because you "don't read this group".
  you flamed someone who has been around far longer than you.


 (In many of your prior articles)

  you flamed someone who is far more intelligent and witty than you.
  your lines are 80 columns wide or wider.


 (In many of your prior articles)
  you failed to check the "Followups-To:" line.
  your .sig is longer than four lines. (Mark only if above checked)
  And your newsreader truncated it.
  your .sig is ridiculous because
 (check all that apply):
  you listed snail mail address(es).
  (Mark only if above checked)
  you listed a nine-digit ZIP code.
  you listed phone numbers for people to use in prank calls.
  you included a stupid disclaimer.
 
   (Mark only if above also)
   your pathetic attempt at being witty in the disclaimer failed.
 
    (Mark only if above also)
   Miserably.
   you included:
     (Mark all that apply)
     a stupid self-quote.
     a stupid quote from a net.nobody.
     a Rush Limbaugh quote.
     a Dan Quayle joke.
     a reference to Beavis & Butthead.
     lame ASCII graphic(s)
     (Choose all that apply):
     USS Enterprise
     Australia
     The Amiga logo
     Company logo
    
 
      (Mark only if above also)
      and you stated that you don't speak for your employer.
     Bicycle
     Bart Simpson

Furthermore:


 You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of (newsgroup)
  You have greatly misunderstood the purpose of the net.
  You are a loser.
  You must have spent your entire life in a skinner box to be this clueless.
  *plonk*
  This has been pointed out to you before.
  It is recommended that you:
   (Mark all that apply)
   stick to Fidonet/Delphi/AOL and come back when you've grown up.
   find a volcano and throw yourself in.
   get a gun and shoot yourself.
   stop reading Usenet news and get a life.
   stop sending email and get a life.
   consume excrement.
   consume excrement and thus expire.

Additional comments:

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Note:
I don't know where this one came from, but obviously somewhere on Usenet. It is probably from an expert in the savage art of flaming, so don't tease those who claim authorship.
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